UF Interviews Pitr Dubovich
We sat down with Pitr Dubovich in an attempt to plumb the depths of this dark horse of Columbia Internet. An accomplished coder and sysadmin (so he tells us), he has become the role-model for a plethora of evil genius aspirants around the world. Although it took some doing -- mostly leaving a trail of pizza slices from the server room to the interview chair -- he finally acquiesced to the bright lights and boom microphones of our editorial team.
UF: On the Fisher Stevens scale of tech-types, do you see yourself as more of the heroic yet goofy geek with a funny accent from Short Circuit? Or the evil sysadmin with a god complex from Hackers, destined for defeat?
PD: You are forgettink whimsical-yet-evil underlink Iggy from Super Mario Bros.
UF: Have you ever killed anyone, and if so, was it politically or religiously -- as in vi versus emacs -- motivated?
PD: Hm. Am thinkink would like to answer this question in private. Perhaps near lime pit. Comink with me later, da?
UF: What's your favourite coffee blend?
PD: Dark Crude with heavy water. You are understandink? "If geiger counter does not click, the coffee, she is just not thick."
UF: Boxers or briefs?
PD: Am always goink Spetsnaz. Never takink pants off anyway.
UF: Who do you think would win in an underwater knife fight? Tanya or Hillary?
PD: (smirks, then stares) Oh. Is no joke, is real question?
UF: How much caffeine do you consume on a daily basis?
PD: Dependink on how you mean? Liquid, solid or gas?
UF: Where did you buy those cool sunglasses?
PD: These? Am orderink from back of comic book. Death-raybans. Is wery cool, da?
UF: What are your feelings towards Crud Puppy?
PD: Am thinkink he is needink trainink. Not wery effective.
UF: What hardware platform do you prefer?
PD: NORAD.
UF: Have you ever used a GUI?
PD: Nyet, but havink stepped on one once.
UF: How did you get stranded at Columbia Internet?
PD: Am thinking you should be askink witness protection program. Is lonk story.
UF: Vodka, barbeque, pizza, beer - which is essential for the post-modern coder?
PD: You are forgettink caffeine, comrade.
UF: You claim is Miranda is evil, yet you seem to have a strong hatred towards her, even though you are evil. Is your hatred (and possibly fear?) towards her because she is a potential threat to your status as resident evil genius, or is it because she is part of an evil branch of evil?
PD: She is Britney Spears of Evil. You are seeink problem now?
UF: How do you feel about Mir Corp (A capitalist venture) coming up with the money to save the aging icon of communism?
PD: Money could be better spent promotink new line of evilwear.
UF: Your Geek Code says you're a member of the SBCA. Is this the result of a spectacularly unsuccessful liaison? Furthermore, what do you think of the BOFH's methods?
PD: SBCA and BOFH are merely tools.
UF: What was the first thing you ever did that showed you that you might be different from the other kids?
PD: (smirks) Am thinkink was when am rewirink Fisher Price Activity Center.
UF: What advice can you give to young evil geniuses?
PD: Create evil agenda, but finish school.
UF: What do you recommend as an educational/life path for prospective Evil Geniuses?
PD: Am suggestink a Bachelor's degree in Darkness, followink with Masters of World Domination. Doctorate is not needed, is about only theoretical evil anyway.
UF: If asked by an aspiring evil genius for your advice on world conquest through unethical manipulation of data networks, what would your response be?
PD: (pauses) Am unfamiliar with this word "unethical." Please to be explainink?
UF: While I respect your methods, I am uncertain as to your motivation - what is the end you seek to achieve? What is your position on the environment and humankind's place in it?
PD: Answer is obvious, but second part suggestink that all Evil Genius must havink healthy minions.
UF: Most Evil Geniuses have a diabolical consort with whom they plot. Do you have any potential Dark Lady generals, and if you don't are you accepting applications?
PD: Please to be sendink me pictures and Evil Qualifications.
UF: When you finally do manage to take over the world (As all UFies have no doubt that you will), what perks are UFie loyalists going to have in your newly created nirvana?
PD: Goink to have handsome yet evil-looking postage stamps.
UF: I've noticed that quite a few evil geniuses in movies have cats as their preferred pets. Do you own a cat? If not, do you own any pets?
PD: Does bacteria culture in coffee cup qualify as pet? Have already givink it name.
UF: There is speculation among your opponents and their supporters that you are merely a mischievous tinkerer, and more qualified for a Lackey, First Class position rather than a true Evil Genius. Besides Vigor and Linux VBS support, are there any other exploits or endeavors which you can share with us that might better illustrate your competence as an Evil Genius? Is there anything that you would like to say to those who have doubts about your alleged Evil Potential?
PD: Again, better answerink you in private. Please to be givink your address.
UF: Your twin brother claims to be from California. Is that where the two of you were born? If so, what part of California?
PD: Brother was found danglink from grapevine after aborted drop-shipment in Napa Valley.
UF: Pitr, tell us about your Slavic family background. Since you used to speak flawless and fluent English, I can only guess that your parents came over from what would have been the Soviet Union. Where were they from over there? Have your visited the homeland? Lastly, have you ever flown in a Mig 29?
PD: (stands) Interview is over. Please to be leavink now.
UF would like to thank the following fans for their contributions: arcterex, BitHerder, MrLemming, mauddib, gopher, UrbanMyth, PohlRbear, RunNeoRun, tb0ne, eric343, tsia_quithellen, Beowulf, Kasreyn, Elenar, Aleric, bonz, Psilon, jbrecken, Mofrak, Agent Green.
