UF Interviews Greg Flemming
There aren't many in geekdom who don't empathize with Greg Flemming of Columbia Internet and his customer support hell. As one UFie put it, "We feel your pain, man." We grabbed a few moments of Greg's time and fired the following questions at him:
UF: Most people have a nervous breakdown or get out of tech support within 18
months. How have you managed to stick it out so long?
A: I've learned to enjoy nervous breakdowns. People also leave you alone
when you have them. Kind of a blunt, two-edged sword.
UF: What do you do when a customer asks you how to deal with spam?
A: Suggest an appropriate calibre.
UF: If you could sit face to face with any or all of your worst customers,
what would you do or say to them?
A: It depends. Can I lock the door? Could you hear their screams?
UF: What's your mantra for keeping the must kill luser voices out of
your head?
A: I have to keep them out?!
UF: What is your LART of choice?
A: A 9th century Danish Broadsword.
UF: How have you been affected by your encounters with the BSD Daemon? Are
you still traumatized?
A: It's a demon dammit. Since then I've had a hard time looking at
green pea soup.
UF: I an most of the other geeks I know tend to amass lots of trailing-edge
technologies. What kinds of old computer equipment have you accumulated? Do
you still have your first computer?
A: I have a DecWriter II printer terminal with a 110 baud acoustic couple
modem. A 15kg 300 baud modem that runs on wall power. A Winchester drive of
unknown vintage. An Apple IIe clone with 80 column card, Grappler Pro+ card,
four floppy drives, and two modems (hey it was hot in it's day). A
Zenith Z80, and much much more. Of course I still have my first
lov...um...computer.
UF: Have you ever actually been outside of Columbia Internet (i.e., "in the
Real World") for any length of time?
A: I have dim, almost otherworldly memories of a big blue room with poor
climate control.
UF: Can you think of anything that would be worse than "MS Linux"?
A: MS pacemakers. Brings a whole new meaning to "Blue Screen Of Death."
UF: Could you reveal what the proper mixture of No-Doz, caffeine, sugar and
pork rinds is to help other techies through those triple shifts?
A: It doesn't really matter what the mixtures are. All you need is an
endless supply of each. Listen to your body, consume what it craves. It'll
know when you should stop eating pork lard and get into deeply evil sugar.
UF: What are the redeeming qualities of your job and workplace? Certainly
there must be something that keeps you on the front lines.
A: High bandwidth. Cool co-workers. Easy access to caffeine.
UF: Quake I, II or III?
A: They are all Quake. Quake is One. Be One with Quake.
UF: Did you ever get your Quake bits back, or are they sitting in a jar
somewhere?
A: (stands, looks around for 9th century Danish broadsword)
UF would like to thank the following fans for their contributions: pampi, KeithK, Beowulf, Henrietta Murgatroyd, Silver Adept, Schol-R-LEA, KingSPAM, mr.z80, Golfball, sj, dimare
